DHL stands for DAMN HELL FART (if the L were an F)

So the past two days I've been kinda hired out by DHL to do delivery routes left empty by guys who quit (always a good indication that the job's gonna blow.) Sounds simple enough, just deliver shit to 40 or 50 stops in a city or two, mostly residential areas, how hard could it be? Yeah.

The majority of stops are in gated communities which either have a guard who calls the recepient, or an electronic directory/callbox that you use to call the person yourself. Easy enough, right? WROOOOONG!!! Most everyone who lives there thinks they're so damned important that they can't be bothered by the common folk, god forbid anyone should mail them something & somebody wants to deliver it to them. It's funny too, cos I don't actually work for DHL, but when I pull up to a guard & he's not sure if he's gonna let me in, all I have to say is "DHL" & the gates open!

Would-be robbers: Your password is DHL. Shhhhhhh...

Once you get inside, then it's most likely the recepient isn't home, so you have to try & get a neighbor to accept the package and sign for it. Trouble is, most neighbors hate each other & are jealous of each other, so they'll either refuse it or probably open it themselves once you leave. I had a box of live crickets to deliver, I couldn't GIVE them away. Who the fuck orders crickets by mail anyway? Think about that: Someone in a million-dollar home actually paid money to have live crickets shipped to them. From Australia. Fucked. Up. Priorities.

So that's what you do if you get inside. The OTHER half of the residences are behind callbox gates. Half of these people are not listed in the directory, and the other half don't answer when you call. Can't get in, no delivery, back it goes to the warehouse. I actually got hold of one woman who opened the gates for me, but when I got to her house, never answered the door. I rang the bell & knocked for a full 10 minutes, then I thought about breaking her window & left. CRAZY PEOPLE. Maybe she was being raped. Let's hope so.

So after 6 or 7 hours of this, the call comes to return to base with whatever you have left on board. Keep in mind that the regular DHL drivers (yeah, the ones who quit) apparently get all this done in about 3 hours. So when you show up at base with 30 or so undelivered packages, it's like you've just brought back some kind of deadly virus that's mutated & solidified into box-like shapes. The look of disgust on the manager's face is quite dissuading, until you remember that he's probably a child molester & is just pissed that now he has to check all these back in & he probably won't get home in time to whack off to Sesame Street.

So I did that twice this week. Did better the 2nd day, made all the stops & brought back fewer packages, but fuck if I ever wanna do that again. I am FAR from being someone to ever say "I don't get paid enough to do this shit" but DAMN, I don't get paid enough to do this shit.