Ho.

Today, my dad got an early Xmas present!

His Doctor gave him six months to live!

Merry Christmas!

kiss o' kill

That's the name of a song on the new Ayumi Hamasaki album, out this week. I have no idea what the song's about, I don't speak Japanese, I just play a karaoke guy on TV. Without the TV. It's a decent enough song, even though it's as overproduced as most of the songs on Zwei's 2nd album (i.e. too goddamned much.) In fact, I don't even know if the title's supposed to read as "kiss or kill", which would be a kinda cool spy-like theme, or if it's "kiss of kill", like "will o' the wisp", or if it's supposed to be Irish, like "Luck o' the Irish", "Bill O'Reilly", or "Paddy O'Furniture".

Ewwwww, I just put Bill O'Reilly's name on my blog. Now I probably have to put a link to his stupid overpriced crap merchandise page. Bill O'Reilly DOORMAT. Good fucking lord.

Anyway, the song (and it's title) has nothing to do with this entry, I just thought it'd fill space.

Today was an awful, awful day. I thought for sure that my behavior lately had finally taken it's toll on my dearest friend in the world. I've been through some tough things this year, and I've let myself just slip further away from who I am each time. I've seriously pissed off some of my best friends (who've thankfully accepted me back since) and I've just gotten really too dark & brooding. Drunk too. Ohhhhhh how I've been drunk.

I have to thank my dear, dear, dear friend Jko for pointing out to me just what my behavior's been doing to the people I care about. I just didn't realize what I'd been doing until she spelled it out for me, and it was such a wake-up call & had such an effect on me and I just can't thank her enough for it. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyoutytytytytytyty!!!!

So I came home to a message from my best friend & she wasn't mad at all, she was actually concerned that I was mad at her, which is just silly. So it became a great night. I learned a very powerful lesson without having to actually lose something very dear to me. I think I'm happier right now than I've been in a very long time. \:D/

Oh SHUT THE HELL UP! I get to be giddy once in awhile too, dammit!!!

The bitch is dead.

Saw the new 007 movie "Casino Royale" & liked it overall. I still don't fully accept Daniel Craig as Bond though, he's just a bit TOO rough-edged. Granted, I suppose that's the angle they're going for in this one, seeing how it's his beginning as a Double-O. Hopefully they'll add a little charm to his personality next time out. And give him a decent haircut. Maybe darken it a bit too, haha.

Funny enough, this movie kind of reinforced/cemented some feelings & thoughts I've had the past few weeks. I've been way too open about personal things & I think nothing good's come of it. If anything, I've probably made matters worse, or at the very least uncomfortable & awkward. Some hearts aren't meant to be worn on the outside I guess.

On a completely unrelated note, one of my dearest friends turns 24 tomorrow. If I forget to post here, Happy Birthday Jko. <3

Fuck.

Fuck.

Whoops, forgot the title!

Today I started work in my new temp position as warehouse worker. Things kinda threw me for a loop last week & it's been pointed out that my delivery job may be more trouble than it's worth. After my 1st 8-hour shift at it, I can only ask:

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKERS FUCKING DO IT AL-FUCKING-READY?

I can't believe I went the whole day without hijacking a forklift & making new doorways in the building! How do you people stay in the same place all day an NOT go insane? I never realized how much I liked going from place to place until this evening, when I drove around pretty much aimlessly for three hours after my shift ended. It started out as just driving around in a deep funk, but those 3 hours went by like nothing, and made the previous 8 (well, 9 minus an hour for lunch - yay actual designated lunch break!) seem like an eternity.

Granted, I may have enjoyed the work day somewhat if I wasn't the only whitey in the place. Damn near everyone there speaks Spanish (ore!) except for the manager, who's... fuck, I dunno WHAT the hell he is. He's like Nosferatu or something. So it's ironic that for quite awhile now I've been thinking that it's pretty lonely driving around all day & not having co-workers to interact with, go to lunch with, etc. & now I'm really just wishing I could just get back in the van & go back to the freeways.

During lunch I decided to call Disneyland's Merchandise hotline to find out about an item that's apparently only sold at the park itself, not in any Disney Store or even the Downtown Disney stores. I used up most of my lunch on hold, but it was kinda okay cos they played all these clips from all the rides & it was kinda fun visualzing all of it. Sort of like taking my own imaginary trip in my brain. Without drugs! Or ugly tourists!

Saturday, September 30th, 2006, 8:00 am

"Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today 2 get through this thing called life. Electric word life. It means forever and that's a mighty long time, but I'm here 2 tell u, there's something else. The afterworld. A world of neverending happiness. U can always see the sun, day or night. So when u call up that shrink in Beverly Hills, you know the one - Dr. Everything'll Be All Right. Instead of asking him how much of your time is left, ask him how much of your mind, baby. 'Cuz in this life, things are much harder than in the afterworld. In this life... you're on your own.

And if de-elevator tries to bring you down... go crazy - punch a higher floor."


These words were chosen by Roger, who we are here today to pay respect to and celebrate the life of, for me to read aloud in the event of his passing. Most likely to see if I'd actually do it. If you can hear me Rog, you owe me big, and I'm taking your home theater as a down payment. But he also chose those words to make a point: That no matter how happy or wonderful or ideal a life he might have, he believed he would be going somewhere even more wonderful after death. Roger had faith in that belief, and that faith helped carry him through a number of rough times in his too short life.

I'm sure most of you are well aware of the trials and troubles that were a constant in his younger days. Orphaned at the age of 16, suffered several illnesses, and he had a temper that often flared up at the wrong time to the wrong people. He was pretty much "that grumpy old man" on the block, except that he was in his 20s. But through it all, he had a genuinely bright spark of kindness and fellowship. You forgave him for his outbursts because he'd always realize what he'd done and he always made up for it in spades. He was also a great prankster with a killer wit, and I credit him for helping to mold me into the fantastic bastard I am today.

And then Paige came along.

I don't think there's a single person here who can deny the profound effect Paige has had on Roger, right from the night they met. I remember how downright giddy Rog was after meeting her at that Christmas party, and what a pain in the ass he was while he tried to get everyone to get her number for him. Thank god he found the courage to call & ask her out, because I remember we had some pretty persistent friends there & I think they all got her number, most of which were for him. Paige later told me she thought everyone there was in telemarketing & she was expecting timeshare brochures by the truckfull.

The difference in Roger's attitude was unmistakable. Almost overnight, the cloud that seemed to always hover around him was lifted, and he quickly became one of the most loveable and jovial guys I've ever known. He never complained about work anymore, "I've got a reason now" he'd say. And sure, we all laughed at first because it was so funny to see him in this new light, and partly because we all figured he'd mess it up in a week & be back to his grumpy self again. But he didn't. He never did.

Take any group of guys and invariably, the conversation turns to women. Most times it gets pretty raw, and everyone tries to one-up the others with stories of their wild exploits & adventures, most of which are probably made up anyway. Before Paige, Roger was no different. According to him, he'd been involved with at least 3 cheerleaders from every team in the NFL and probably half those in the NBA. But after he met Paige, I honestly don't think I've ever heard a single word from him in that vein. In fact, many times he'd end up leaving early out of boredom. He didn't need to try and impress the guys with made-up stories anymore, because he already had the only person he ever wanted to impress. And I'm sure she was quite impressed when he reprogrammed her computer to fake a Y2K virus, then displaying "Will you marry me?" on her screen, totally locking up her system unless she'd type "yes." He told me he figured she'd say yes, since it'd be too much of a hassle for her to buy a new computer.

On June 10, 2000 they married and began what were unquestionably the best 6 years of Roger's life. Their marriage was one that everyone admired & wished they could have as their own. Paige has never been one to impose or make a fuss, but on those rare occasions where she had to call him when he was out with the guys, I always saw his face light up when he saw who the call was from. He never made excuses for leaving the party early, he loved her profoundly and, perhaps most importantly, was PROUD of it. In what I think is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard, Roger expressed his love for her with the words "It's not that she's the love of my life, she's the life in my love." And when you remember what Roger was like before Paige, that she could so change that man's heart, that's a stunningly beautiful thought.

I know we've all had a fair share of tears this past week, and I know there'll be more to come. But I also look forward to reminiscing and sharing stories about our beloved friend with all of you. I met Rog shortly after his parents' deaths, at the lowest point of his life. I can't tell you how gratifying it's been for me to watch him go from being this miserable kid with a chip on both shoulders, to a man whose life I often found myself admiring and even at times envying. And while it's truly tragic how that life was cut short, I think it's even more important to always remember how richly fulfilled that life was, especially in recent years. Rog was one of my greatest friends, and the love that he had with Paige is something I will always be thankful that I was witness to.

DHL stands for DAMN HELL FART (if the L were an F)

So the past two days I've been kinda hired out by DHL to do delivery routes left empty by guys who quit (always a good indication that the job's gonna blow.) Sounds simple enough, just deliver shit to 40 or 50 stops in a city or two, mostly residential areas, how hard could it be? Yeah.

The majority of stops are in gated communities which either have a guard who calls the recepient, or an electronic directory/callbox that you use to call the person yourself. Easy enough, right? WROOOOONG!!! Most everyone who lives there thinks they're so damned important that they can't be bothered by the common folk, god forbid anyone should mail them something & somebody wants to deliver it to them. It's funny too, cos I don't actually work for DHL, but when I pull up to a guard & he's not sure if he's gonna let me in, all I have to say is "DHL" & the gates open!

Would-be robbers: Your password is DHL. Shhhhhhh...

Once you get inside, then it's most likely the recepient isn't home, so you have to try & get a neighbor to accept the package and sign for it. Trouble is, most neighbors hate each other & are jealous of each other, so they'll either refuse it or probably open it themselves once you leave. I had a box of live crickets to deliver, I couldn't GIVE them away. Who the fuck orders crickets by mail anyway? Think about that: Someone in a million-dollar home actually paid money to have live crickets shipped to them. From Australia. Fucked. Up. Priorities.

So that's what you do if you get inside. The OTHER half of the residences are behind callbox gates. Half of these people are not listed in the directory, and the other half don't answer when you call. Can't get in, no delivery, back it goes to the warehouse. I actually got hold of one woman who opened the gates for me, but when I got to her house, never answered the door. I rang the bell & knocked for a full 10 minutes, then I thought about breaking her window & left. CRAZY PEOPLE. Maybe she was being raped. Let's hope so.

So after 6 or 7 hours of this, the call comes to return to base with whatever you have left on board. Keep in mind that the regular DHL drivers (yeah, the ones who quit) apparently get all this done in about 3 hours. So when you show up at base with 30 or so undelivered packages, it's like you've just brought back some kind of deadly virus that's mutated & solidified into box-like shapes. The look of disgust on the manager's face is quite dissuading, until you remember that he's probably a child molester & is just pissed that now he has to check all these back in & he probably won't get home in time to whack off to Sesame Street.

So I did that twice this week. Did better the 2nd day, made all the stops & brought back fewer packages, but fuck if I ever wanna do that again. I am FAR from being someone to ever say "I don't get paid enough to do this shit" but DAMN, I don't get paid enough to do this shit.