"It's the one that says BAD MOTHER FUCKER."

Today I finally found the Mace Windu electronic lightsaber. I've been looking for it for MONTHS! It originally shipped with the initial wave of Episode III merchandise back in March, and I passed it up, later discovering Hasbro only included it in that first wave of stuff. The toy's actually kind of a cop-out, as it's modeled after a hilt Sam Jackson wore in publicity shots for Episode I and never had it in any of the films. It's actually just 1/2 of the Darth Maul hilt, and by itself it basically looks like a giant robot cock. No, really. A cock. If the business end were rounded off, that's what it'd be. If you saw this attached to the groin area of any sci-fi robot (or even that crazy Japanese dancing Santa) you'd totally think it was meant for that.

So then, why on earth would I want to pay $20 for a cock-shaped lightsaber, especially when there's so many other, cooler designs? It's the blade. It's a purple blade, which makes it badass and therefore better than the other colors. It also lends itself to any number of purple helmet jokes, but that's more grav's territory. Grav loooooves to get himself some helmet. Sadude told me so.

Ironically, the coolest thing about this particular toy turns out to be it's biggest disappointment. The purple blade's just too damn dark to let most of the light through, so the effect (even in a totally dark room) is the blade looks like a long blacklite bulb, but without the actual blacklite glow. Now if they made an actual blacklite saber, IT would rule the universe (but not grav's universe. He worships the flesh-colored saber. Sadude told me this too.)

So is there any salvation to be found in this overly-phallic, non-light-emitting lightsaber? Perhaps. Like any other saber, it's always good for beating the kids or prodding the housewives down the grocery aisle. It also makes that "vhwohm" sound when you move it, so you don't have to look like a TOTAL ass as you make the sound yourself. And nothing draws the chicks at a party more than being able to show off your 3-foot purple knob that kinda glows (it's electric!) but that's pretty much it. I still prefer the Anakin/Vader one that changes color from red to blue (it's like a mood saber!) I'll probably just get a small metal plate engraved with BAD MOTHER FUCKER and glue it on.